...NOT TOO RUDE AND NO BAD SWEARING PLEASE!
The jokes on this page are for people aged 15 and over.
We do get a lot of very rude jokes sent to the site, but they are just too rude to publish!
If you have a rude joke then write it in a way that will get the point across without offending anyone. Send your rude jokes to morecambe.co.uk
A guy wlks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis and the bartender asks: 'Why do you have a steering wheel on your penis?' and he replies: 'Arg it's driving me nuts.' ha ha ha
From Mr Coolia
Iraqi TV Guide
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
Mike Blair - Essex
For those that are traveling to the Far East !!
Essential Japanese phrases.....
That's not right...............................................................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive?..............................Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP....................................................................Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man....................................................................................Dum Gai
Small Horse............................................................................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?.........................................Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.....................................Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift.................................................Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here.........................................................Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...........................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone...................................................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight................................................................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.........................................Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive..........................................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great........................................................................................Fu Kin Su Pah
Viet - rotters - e-mail : got 1
Queen Mother went to heaven..saw Diana and said o0o That's a nice Heylo..
A guy from Wigan goes in a pub and orders a beer ..bar man says "whitbread"?
Yorkshire mans recipe for an omlete,,,, First borrow 4 eggs.!!
old 1 coming up.....
Police in Liverpool have managed to catch 3 of 4 terroists:
Q: Wat u call a Liverpool guy
ok that's about it hope u liked the jokes ..
Sue, 4 jokes on a trot, you should sit down and take it easy for a while!
Crystal Vea, firstname.lastname@example.org
Q: What do you call 12 indians standing around the fire?
Sarah Young, e-mail : email@example.com
Q: How do you re-use a condom?
Q: What do gays & bungee jumpers have in common?
The following letters have been removed from the above joke because we can't say **** or **** or indeed ******, thank you: 2xU(one big and one small!) - 1xI - 2xK(one big and one small!) - 1xH and 2xC(one big and one small!), Is that right? thank **** for that!
Jim Brock, - e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Once upon a time two men had been sitting in a bar drinking for a considerable time and had started to become a wee bit inebriated and argumentative. They argued about football, politics, women and so on. Eventually after more drinks they started arguing about a real guy thing, as to which of them had the largest pecker.
The barman was starting to get a bit irritated at all the ruckus the men were creating, but because he was used to this type of thing, said to them, "Look, if you'll just cut out the noise, I'll be the judge of this argument. Lay your peckers on the bar and I'll tell you which is the biggest"
The two men agreed to this and so they proudly laid their peckers on the bar. Just as the barman was about to give his decision, a gay fellow came in and walked up to the bar. The barman told the two guys to wait a minute and turning to the gay chap said "What can I get you?"
The gay chap looked down at the bar and said, "Well I was just going to have a beer, but now I think I'll have a bit of the buffet!"
Daryl Macvicar - Aberdeen ~Scotland -e-mail : email@example.com
Q: What gets stiff after three strokes?
A: Princess Margaret!
There was a weiner and a cucumber and they were talking about how they get put in a jar, then the jar gets opened and they are eaten. The cucumber says 'I get cut up and eaten'. Then a weiner pops up and says 'When i get pulled out a get a plastic bag over my head and go into a dark cave then when i come out i am all wet with stuff'!
Very poor Josh, I must apologise to readers and offer this joke as a peace offering:
Josh, you could have told the one about the two Cowboy Puffs, riding a tandem up a cobbled hill. One turned to the other and said 'Shall we get off an push it up!' And the other said 'Yep'... At the top of the hill they got back on and one Cowboy said 'Yup' and the other said 'Yep!'... Then, as they were riding down the other side of the cobbled hill, one said 'I've never come this way before!'
Sorry peeps, a clean one to finish with:
The Lady stood on the bridge,
Izeek Finkas - with a little help from Karen!
Instruction for reading: Read in an Italian accent
Q - What has david beckham and a London train got in common?
A - They are in and out of Victoria every 15 minutes!
There was onces a rabbi called keith
Dave - I think we all recognise these!
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describehow a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so they feel that it's an even trade.
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you insideout, upside down, backwards, or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. (Loud Sigh)
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
7. (Soft Sigh)
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
8. "Oh !"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN (do not walk) to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days."Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow and "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
The woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome".
12. "Thanks A Lot !!"
This is very different to "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot !!" when she is REALLY pissed off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Stephany Marsh, - Lancaster
There was these three ladies called Alice, Gladis and Fanny. There was a bit of a do on in the village, so Alice said: Let's go, it will be great fun, there will be some lads there and we'll have a fantastic time. Gladis said: But we haven't got any nice clothes. Don't worry about that said Fanny, we'll go to the village and buy one frock each. So they bought their frocks took them home and tried them on. But what about shoes, said Gladis. We'll go to the village and buy some. Alice was a size 10, Gladis was a size 12 and Fanny was a size 15. So they went to the village and bought some shoes for everyone apart from Fanny, the shop just didn't sell shoes that big. But Fanny said: What about me, I havn't got any shoes to wear because they don't sell shoes my size. I don't know said Alice and Gladis. I'll just have to stay home, sard Fanny.
So Alice and Gladis went to the do in the village and had a wonderful time, they met two good looking lads, who danced with them and bought them drinks, they were very polite. At the end of the evening the lads started to walk the girls home, Alice and Gladis were in front with the two lads at the back and the lads said: by golly haven't you two got big feet. Alice and Gladise said: yes, but wait 'til we get home and see the size of our Fannys! ha ha ha haaa
Sam - firstname.lastname@example.org (thank goodness for ****!)
There's a man that can't talk very well and he goes to a cake shop and says: 'Can I have a bum?' Don't you mean a bun sir? That's what I said a bum. Then he went to a clock shop and said: 'Can I have a c**k?' Don't you mean a clock sir? That's what I said a c**k. So then he went in to a buckit shop and said: 'Can I have a f**k it?' Don't you mean a buckit sir? That's what I said a f**k it. So later when he was going home, a lady asked: Have you got the time sir? and he replied........
...........yeh, can you hold my bum and f**k it while I get my c**k out!
p.s ha ha ha ha, it's ment to be funny
Hazel Egan - email: email@example.com
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,"But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Dave Smith, Perth Australia
He who drinks Australian thinks Aust
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?".
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Sheila," he says "Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." He drives off.
I P Nightly, Morecambe
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
This is really a brain teaser, it took me ages to work it out. For the answer see the bottom of the into to chat page.
This is getting near the knuckle so be warned!
Q: What do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny
A: A block of flapps!
What are the disadvantages of being a cock ?
1. You only have one eye
Steve Dyer, - Morecambe - email firstname.lastname@example.org
A little boy asked his dad "What's a C**t dad?"
Well someone had to lower the level and it might as well be you, Thank goodness for **, Now **** **f!
Casey, - e-mail : casey_eppperson@angle fire .com
Q: What is viagra made of ?
A: 5% asprin and 95% fix a flat!
Casey, keep practising, you'll find a funny joke eventually!
......your mom's SOOOO dumb, she tried to put M & M's in alphabetical order!!
Dazz, never make jokes about ''mom's'' , they gave us life!.... made us wash the dishes, take the dog out for a walk, empty the bins, bring in the washing, go to the shops..... hmm, I'll let you off!
PS Mum, if you're watching from up there, we love and miss you very much!
Anthony Price - e-mail : email@example.com
You said NO swearing BUT someone else has added some foul language with the use of *s..... so if you like this post it up! (Actually it says No 'BAD Swearing please!)
Q: Have you ever smelt a 'cheese and s**t sandwich'?
A: I'll tell you what it's like..... fart whilst you're having a w**k!
Cheese and Salt Sandwich! Fart whilst you're having a Walk! I don't know what's funny about that!!!
Alan Love - UK e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Q. What do a large bag of crisps and a prostitute have in common?
A. 10 pence/cents a poke
Steve, - e-mail : email@example.com (Thank goodness for ****!)
A man walked into a restaurant and said to the waiter "I want to see the f*****g manager. C**t." The waiter went to fetch the manager. The man said "Hi t**t, I come about the job for a f*****g piano player!". "Ok" said the manager, "let's hear how good you are. Can you play some blues?" The pianist sat down at the piano and played the most fantastic blues piano.
The manager said "Wow, that's reealy good. What do you call that
The pianist said "S*****g sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my a**e hole".
"Ok" said the manager, "what about some jazz?"
"I tried to s**g my mother on the sofa but a spring came through and I caught my k**b in it"
"Oh" said the manager, "and can you play a nice ballad"
The manager gave the pianist the job under 2 conditions:
All went well for a couple of weeks. Then one night there is a rather well endowed young lady sat eating her meal near the piano wearing a rather revealing dress. The pianist gets a little worked up over her and eventually decides to go to the toilet for a w***k.
Whilst in the toilet he hears the manager shouting "Where's that f*****g pianist? He should be playing". On hearing this the pianist rushes back to the piano and starts playing.
After a few moments, the aformentioned young lady comes over to the pianist and whispers in his ear - "Do you know your k**b and b***s are hanging out and you're dripping j**z all over your shoes?"
"Know it? I f*****g wrote it!"
A bit naughty that one but I love it.
Q. What's the Difference between ohhhh and ARRGGG!!
A. About 3 inches
I don't know, women eh, give them an inch and they'll want a foot!
Betty Jolley - California
An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going ?"
She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
Darren - York UK
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
inappropriate responses include:
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not?
Incorrect responses include:
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
A long joke but well worth the wait!
Betty Jolley - California
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with
your sister, your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
Anonymous - (Betty this is a bit cheeky for you!)
As you know in pharmacology all drugs are given a generic name that differs from the trade name tylenol is Acetominophen
advil is Buprofen
Rogaine is Minoxidil
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin
You know I swallowed some Viagra once and ended up with a stiff neck!
Robert S. - Morecambe
Comparison of Women with Big Tits vs Women with Little Tits
Women with Big Tits:
...can get a taxi on the worst days
Women with Little Tits:
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
Robert, I thought of substituting the word boobs, knockers, jugs, paps, mamaries or breasts but it wouldn't have the same effect... 'Tits' is fine! PS how do you know so much about them? I know... you're obviously a tit yourself!
Jim - Morecambe
How many women does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?
One. But you have to slice her really thin first!
Lorna Forbes, - e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Q: why don't men eat dill pickles?
A: they can't get there heads in the jar!!!
It's a good job I don't understand your joke Lorna, although I'm sure someone finds it funny!...won't they!
Kandy (It's a bit risky but I'll run with it)
Q. What do you call a prostitute with no arms & no legs?
A. A nightcrawler!
I.P. Freely, - Scotland (made up name I think!)
A woman goes into a sex shop. It's her first time and she's a little nervous. She goes up to the counter and the assistant says: "don't worry, you can see there are all sorts of people here; couples, singles, women... just take your time and have a look round." So the woman goes over to the vibrator section and comes back to the counter with a white one, a black one and a red one. As she is paying, the assistant says to her:"the white one is a good choice: compact, discreet, for every-day use..now, the black one, this is a little bigger, really for special occasions... and the red one, that's the fire extinguisher, could you bring it back when you're finished please?"!!!
Sarah Rushforth, - Bar, Morecambe
What do a hooker's client and a panda have in common?
He eats, shoots and leaves.
I like it, I like it, keep them coming!
Bugsy Turnip, - e-mail : meggmac@hotmail
What's the difference between a lesbian and a ritz cracker?
One is a snack cracker the other is a crack snacker
Listen everyone this is as rude as I dare get, please be careful? We have been sent some absolutely disgusting jokes... funny but disgusting... I mean DISGUSTING....still they made me laugh!