I chose to stay with him!
Hi Caroline,
I've been looking for a long time for an agony aunt that I think I would feel comfortable with and came across your web site tonight. I hope you will be able to answer my email and not print it on your site - I just couldn't handle that - even if it was anonomous! Please don't ignore my mail as I need some help and advice badly.
Firstly - about me. I'm a 24 year old female and have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 years since we were both 16. We were sweethearts in school and had a very happy relationship for most of the time until a year or so ago. I felt like he didn't love me anymore and he didn't really treat me too well for some time (about 6 months). I still loved him very much but I was very confused and felt betrayed and very alone. (By the way I don't have any friends). Anyway about a year ago I slept with a co-worker. I have no idea why I did it. We got on very well previous to this and I know he fancied me a little - in a way I fancied him too - but never ever considered anything happening. I had never been with anyone before other than my boyfriend. I was very drunk one night and it happened. He also had a girlfriend (and still does).
When I woke up the next morning I was so ashamed of myself. I talked to this guy about what happened and neither of us wanted to tell anyone about it. We agreed to keep it secret. So I told my boyfriend I stayed in my friends house. I left work and never saw this guy again. He lives no-where near me and we have nothing to do with each other. I know we will probably never cross paths again if I choose not to. I somehow managed to put it out of my mind until some time later when my boyfriend questioned me about this guy and whether something had happened between us. He has always been possessive for no reason at all but we've always dealt with this. I lied to him and told him that nothing had happened. I just couldn't tell him - it would have crushed him. Our relationship got a lot better afterwards - I guess I realised how much I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. So my options were to either break up with him (and give him some other reason) so that he could find someone he deserves (because I know he would never do anything so low to me or anyone else), or to stay with him and keep up this pretence that nothing happened. So I choose to stay with him.
I love him so much now!! I want to spend the rest of my life with him - and him me!! This thing has made me realise what we have - so something good has come out of it, right? - well I can't get over the guilt. It happened a year ago and I still think about it every single day - I can't believe that I'm not the "good-living" person I always thought I was! It was the biggest mistake I ever made! I just want to erase it from memory!! Am I a terrible person to have done this and to stay with my boyfriend with this dishonesty??
On top of all this - the rest of my life sucks at the moment too! I have no friends at all - I am reading book after book about "How to make friends" etc and it's not doing me any good. I have had no friends now for about 7 years and I miss them! I'm being really friendly to everyone I meet but it's not working! I must have "desperate" written across my face! As well as this I've just completed 6 years of college where I was a top student and now I cannot get a job with the market the way it is - so I'm working making no money in a shop when I should be starting my career that I've worked so hard for. Also because I have no money to do things I'm bored and this isn't helping my situation. I would never have considered suicide but I have seriously thought about it lately - I just see myself as a worthless being who is doing no good in the world. The only reason I wouldn't commit suicide is because I wouldn't put the people I love through the pain of it!
I am a loving person really! I'm attractive and generally have a great outlook on life! I smile all the time to try and make others smile - and I usually live to see others happy!! People call me "Smilie". I love people, animals, the environment, peace and have good moral values generally (except for this one time in my life). I didn't ever think I was a bad person until this - I really need your help. There's no point in referring me to someone else as I can't talk to anyone about it ( you're the only person I've talked to).
Please help me. Tell me if I am a terrible person to keep this from my loving boyfriend. Should I break up with him and let him find someone he deserves? This is all I need to know. Do many people do these awful things. If I was to never do it again (which I know I never would ) then when we get married would it be like starting a clean slate??? Please help, please!!!!!!
Any advice you can offer would be very welcome!!!
Yours in hope,
Sarah
Hello Sarah,
I never ignore anyone who needs help.
The first thing I will say to you is you're not a bad person, stop beating yourself up about this happening, that happened to you when you were feeling unloved and vulnerable your state of mind was hurt and you needed something or someone to keep you going so to speak so you found comfort in the arms of another, that's NOT a crime and you wont be burned at the stake for it!!! It was a time in your life where you felt so alone and empty he filled you with passion and feelings again you enjoyed it had an experience and that was that end of the story, close the chapter and start the next chapter.
If you feel you still love your boyfriend then you're going to have to stop feeling guilty forget it and put it in the past that's what it is! start you life with your man again and know better for the future..... you should feel quite successful in realizing you'd got over a bad time and now its your chance to make it work better this time!!!!!! and you will Sarah, keep your experience as just that and now get on with the rest of your life girl.
Reading books on making friends is a bit long winded be yourself instead and be the real person that you are, stop making people feel that if you're nice to them they'll be nice to you and want to be your friend, choose your mates be yourself don't overdo it act casual and get along with the day be natural that brings friends to you. let them chase you and make the first move it will take the pressure off you.
And always remember that we all have to be here and have a purpose and yours is to be a loving person who is just you and get on with your life and take care of your husband and kids eventually be Sarah and enjoy being her without trying too hard. and things will fall into place eventually and you will make friends too, but the best advice is be yourself and stop trying so hard all the time.
New chapter...... new beginning........
Regards
Caroline