| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
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Rude Jokes for 15 years of age and over please click here
Rachael Clement, - Wesgate Morecambe,
Two blondes walk into a building....
.....You'd of thought one of them would of seen it
Q. What do you get if you dialled 666 on your phone?
A. An upside down poilce man!
Ulrike Thompson, - Pittsburgh, PA - e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
(I made this up).
This lesson was learned by Miss Greedy
Who wore her shoplifted bikini.
She heard a loud pop,
and off came her top
And had nothing on in betweenie!
Patient: Doctor, I was cleaning my glass eye and accidentally swallowed it.
Doctor: OK. Lean over and spread your legs.
Patient: (Leans over and spreads his legs).
Doctor: My God! This is the first time, in all my years of practice, that I've ever seen an asshole looking back at me!
Charles Johnson Preston
2 gays go to the fairground, one asks the other if he wants to go on the big dipper, no, he replies, I am scared of heights, so he waits while the other one goes on, he goes round once and enjoys it so much he goes round again he then decides to go round again but this time the car comes off the rails and crashes to the ground.
The other one rushes over and asks if his freinds hurt, hurt he says, hurt of course i'm hurt, I passed you twice and you never even waved
The rhree kings went to visit Mary in the stable,as they came in one hit his head on a beam,Jesus Christ,he said,Mary said "thats a nice name,we were going to call him Tommy"
A couple went on honeymoon and they bought a parrot, the bloke was just goimg to get his leg over when the parrot shouted "somebodies going to get ******** tonight" this put the bloke right off and it kept occuring.
He covered it up with a cloth but it whipped it off,de told it that if it did not behave he would send it to the zoo so it kept quiet until the last night when it heard them talking,they were trying to close the suitcase and he said,"well I have been on top and tried, you have been on top and tried,this time we will both get on top and try",the cover whipped off,and the parrot yelled,"zoo or no ****ing zoo, this I have to see"
A women goes into a shop and asks about the price of valet casesshe is told that one costs 30 pounds and the other is 139 pounds,when asked the difference she is told that it is made from crocodile foreskins and if you stroke it turns into a suitcase
Andrew Duncan - Morec
A man walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a pint. while the bar man is poaring him a pint, he sees a dish full of penuts sitting on the counter. the penuts said to him your nice.the man then said to the bar man that he was going to the toilet. when he came out of the toilet there was a fag machine sitting next to him. the fag machine said to him your horrible. the man then goes up to the bar man and saidthat the penuts said he was nice but the fag machine said that i was horrible. the bar man then said the penuts were complemetry and the fag machine was out of order
Did you hear about the Irish shoe shop.
Buy 1 shoe and get the other free
Andrew, funny, clean jokes, I don't believe it!
Jim Brock, - Connecticut - e-mail : email@example.com
Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely. And so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company. After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.
He took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said "Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?"
There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said "Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?" But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time. He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted "Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub place and have a drink with `
At this, a little voice came out of the box and said "No need to shout, hang on a minute, I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"
But what about his wooden leg, doesn't Carl sound like 99 clunk, 99 clunk?!
Ollie Hall, Bruton email Beaky@bikerider.com
Q. Why did the Orange roll Down the hill?
A. Because it ran out of juice
Oh crumbs, I've just remembered that one about the biscuits!
Andrew Duncan - Clydebank
Q. What goes clip clop, clip clop, BOMB
A. A horse in a mine field
Pass me the bucket again and a shovel please!
Christine Caven - Glasgow
There was 2 Bags off sick, walking down the street. one started to cry and the other one asked 'What you crying for?' he repplied 'This is were i got brought up'. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Pass me the bucket!
Q. What did the snooker player go into the toilet for?
A. To pot the brown!
Q. What is black on top white in the middle and red down the bottom? A. A penguin with a nappy rash!
Thanks Christine, they made me laugh!
This guy telephones the local Refuse Dept and says
"I would like to have a skip outside my house, on Monday."
The idiot on the other end of the line says
"Do what you want outside your own house on Mondays, I`m not stopping you."
Matthew Clarke - Lancaster
(border line for the over 15's I think!)
Q. What's long and thin covered in skin red in parts and goes in tarts?
Here's a riddle: The more you take away, the bigger it gets! What is it?
PARKSMAN, SHED 2
A man went to the doctor with really bad sunburn. The doctor prescribed Calomine Lotion and some Viagra. The man said he understood about the lotion but why Viagra? The doctor said it would keep the bed clothes off him at night.
Very poor Keith!
Tom Airey - Jersey
A man calls a policeman over claiming to have witnessed a crime;
Witness: This man has been murdered!
Witness: No, very well, he's dead!
What`s an essex girls favourite wine?
TAKE ME TO LAKESIDE I WANNA GO SHOPPING
Q. What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?
Q. Why did the squirrel swim on his back?
A. To keep his nuts dry!!!
Hazel - York
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day after coming from an exhilarating choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just thinking about how wonderful the Lord is and I didnt notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I never would have noticed the light! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those lovely people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach".
I saw another gentleman waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! --Grandma
GREG BRENNINK - KNOWLE SOLIHULL - e-mail : GREGCHICKMASTER@HOTMAIL.COM
Q. WHAT DO ALL INDIAN AND PAKISTANY DO WHEN THEY LAND
ANSWER. THE PLANE SWINGS FROM SIDE TO SIDE BECAUSE ALL THE INDIAN'S ARE SWINGING THEIR HEADS SIDE TO SIDE AND SAYING "OH DEAR I THINK WE ARE LANDING NOW".
Rachel, - Bradford, e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him. "I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
Darren - York
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."
Willis - Glasgow, Scotland.
Q: did you here about the Irishman who tried to wash his steps
A: he broke the washing machine
Chuff Gash, - e-mail : Chuff@microarse.org.uk
What is the difference between a knife and a fork?
I will send the answer when a few people have had a guess.
Bye for now, Chuff
Fritz, - email@example.com
About ze Knife unt Fork. Knife is with soup spoon. Fork on its own.
Is this right?
I win prize?
Of course you win a prize. Let's see... How about a trip around the world for you and thirty of your friends, that's right, any destination, any time to suit yourself, all you have to do is pay for everything, Yes everything, the flight, accommodation and spending money all paid for by yourself! But wait there's more, We at Morecambe out of the goodness of our hearts, will steam off a stamp from some of our mail and send it to you with some fresh spit on it, so you can try to reuse it when you send us a postcard! We are so generous, it's just not true... If you think we're going to spend time steaming off a stamp, you've got another thing coming!..... Morecambe, tighter than a ducks aaaaaaaaaarrrr!
Get real Fritz, with a name like that it's not surprising you're a bit of a fRitz Cracker! And if Chuff Gash could get in touch to let us know it Fritz has the right answer I'd appreciate it ...and also eat my hat!
I have just given James an order to take the writer from Morecambe of the above comments outside and shoot him six times.... Wait; I hear the shots! James is it over? ''No I missed, he's so skinny the bullets went straight past him!'' Well use a Magnum James!..... is it over? ''Yes, he looks a mess, the Magnum worked a treat!'' Let me look.... You stupid boy, he's covered in chocolate, I didn't mean that kind of Magnum!!
RE knife & fork joke... lets have some more guess's. Also, what is the difference between a duck?
Who is this fritz idiot?
I will get back to you soon
regards Chuff Gash
e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Steve Dyer,- e-mail : email@example.com
My granny made a cup of tea in her dressing gown this morning. It's no good, I'll have to get a teapot.
Did you hear about the paper cowboy?
He got done for rustling!
Three pairs of underpants on the line, which one is the German's?
The ones with the Bismark!! Love Steve (the oldest stand-up in town.
A man goes to his wardrobe to find his jacket on fire. Oh good, I've always wanted a blazer.
Q. What bread won the 100 metres in the Olympics?
A. Linford Crustie
Cheers Steve these are the first clean jokes we've had in a while!
A joke from Betty
A middle-aged Jewish gentleman is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says
"So what would you like, my dear? A Jaguar?
A Sable coat, A diamond necklace?
She says, " If you don"t mind, I want a divorce."
he says, " I wasn't planning on spending that much." HA HA HA
Matthew Donlad - e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Q: How do you get a one armed Irishman out of a tree?????
Colin - Geraldton. Western Australia
Wife to Husband - "You know you remind me of the Ocean ! "
Husband: "What you mean Wild and Untamed ! "
Wife: No, you make me sick !
I like it, you make me green with envy!
Betty Jolley, - Venice, California, USA - e-mail : email@example.com
Little boy was sitting by the window. It was a cold blustery day.
The Mum said "Son you are going to catch a cold sitting there, you are sitting in a draft.
Little boy replied;"I'm not sitting in a draft I'm sitting in a chair
Is there no end to your talent, Poems, Jokes... what next!
Laurie Fralshahg, - Crawley, W.SUSSEX, England
Q: Why did the girl fall of the swing?
A: Because she didn't have any arms!
Q: What does E.T. stand for?
A: Because he hasn't got a chair!
I see we have a new comedian amongst us, keep it up.
Craig Laycock, - Morecambe
Ready for the joke of the millenium?...
More stunning jokes coming soon!
Craig, between you and our friend Bob below, you have to go down as the worst joke tellers EVER
Bob - e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Q. What's black and white and green all over?
A. A penguin in Morecambe Bay
Bobs 2nd attempt, I'm sorry to inflict these painful jokes on you ..
Don Schlundt, - email email@example.com
Two prisoneers were waiting to be executed. The warden asked if there were any last request.
Prisoneer #1 says,"I want to hear the song La Vita Loca by Ricky Martin played over the intercom as I am being executed. The warden replied "I shall do that". The warden turned to prisoneer #2 and asked. "what would be your last request?" Prisoneer #2 replied, "Could I be executed FIRST?"
Caroline (Agony Angel) loves 'Ricky' she just can't keep stil when he's on doing 'La Vita Loca''. So I'm glad you sent this joke, it made me laugh!
bobthefish, - e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org (Big mouth!)
An Irishman tried to blow up the QE2 the other day, but he couldn't fit his mouth over the funnel.
bobthefish, - e-mail : email@example.com (Bob, I bet you're the life and soul of the party!)
A garderner is a bloke who calls a spade a spade until he trips over one.
Craig Laycock, - Morecambe e-mail : CragTek@Hotmail.com
Ok, I thought it was about time for another one of my jokes. Brace yourselves, this is comedy at its best.
Since the wedding night, Bill Gates' wife finally knows, why he called his company 'Microsoft'.
Oohh... that was a bit rude, I know... Sorry. (Hi Craig I see your Floppy Drive is working! )
Deborah Penman, - England, - Monkey business
So it's Paddy's first day on the job as apprentice zoo keeper at Whipsnade. Nice and easy task for the first day, he's given the fish to look after. However, he gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals, and kills off all the fish. So to cover up his heinous crime, he gets all the fish out and throws them into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. After lunch Paddy's told to feed the Chimpanzees. Unfortunately (but lucky for this joke) he feeds them all the wrong food and they all die. So, once again, to cover up, he dumps all the monkeys bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. It's late afternoon now, and Paddy decides to nip off home early before he does anything else wrong. Whilst backing his car out, he runs over the bees. (specialist zoo!) He quickly jumps out of his car, and with the engine still running, scoops up the bees and chucks the mess into the lions enclosure. He runs back to his car and goes home. The next day, there's another arrival at the zoo. A new lion on transfer from Woburn is brought in. "What's it like here then?" he asks the other lions. "Not bad", they reply, "not as much space as Woburn, but the food's getting better - yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and mushy bees
Craig Laycock, - Grosvenor Park, Morecambe - e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
An old indian was one day suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servent to go to the doctor. When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart" So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week. The next week the servant returned "Big chief, no fart" he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month. A month later he retuned again,"Big Chief, No fart". getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year. One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".
Craig are you trying to take over the site? and this joke is funny!
Geoff, - Evanton
A farmers of cows in Silverdale froze stiff in the field during a very cold winter. His friend said I know a woman who can cure them !! The woman came and kissed each cow. Each cow sprang back to life. The grateful farmer asked who the woman was.........
It was Thora Hird !!!!!!!!
Topical and almost funny!
Colin, - Geraldton West Australia
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift.She shook it, held it overhead, and said, " I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." " That's right the boy said, " but how did you know ? " "Oh, just a wild guess, " she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, " I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets. " " That's right, but how did you know ? " asked the girl. " Oh, just a wild guess, said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. " Is it wine ? " she asked. " No the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. " Is it champagne ? " she asked. " No, " the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, " I give up, what is it? With great glee, the boy replied, " It's a puppy! "
Sick, but very funny
Craig Laycock, - Grosvenor Park, Morecambe, e-mail : email@example.com
How can ships tell if they're approcahing Morecambe bay? They just look for the glowing sea! (Or good ol' Eric)
Sorry Craig, but we said funny jokes!. PS Thanks for the short story, It's here if anyone's interested
Ross Methven, - Aberdeen, UK e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org (pass the salt!)
Question: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Answer: Because they taste funny.
Donna, North Wingfield, Chesterfield, UK e-mail : email@example.com (A joke you'll never forget!)
Question: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Answer: Time to get a new fence. ha! ha!
Sarah Rushforth, Bare, Morecambe (a typical student joke if I ever saw one!)
Question: What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
Answer: A parrot!!
Audrey, Canada, e-mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
What did the Bra say to the Hat?
I'll cover these two, while you go on ahead.
(I must admit this did make me laugh. Nice one Audrey)
Steven Ogden, e-mail : email@example.com (You're at it again Steve)
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner He told them: "I need three important people to send my message out to all people: Tomorrow I will destroy the earth."
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad news items for you: God really exists and Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news: The GOOD news is that God really does exist and The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements: I am one of the three most important people on earth and The Year 2000 problem is solved."
Steven Ogden, firstname.lastname@example.org (Thanks for the Joke & Picture Steve, we like it when people get involved.)
A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Zooker trained."
"You have?" asked the other.
"Yes, explained the first mouse.
"Now every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."
Colin. - Geraldton, West.Australia
It's a killer!
Lady rushes into a shop, picks up a can of fly spray and says to the assistant,"Is this good for flies? "No madam,"is the reply."It kills them"
Colin, - still from West.Australia
This will have you on the floor!
Lady goes into a bank and says to the teller - "Could you please check my balance?" So he leans over the counter and pushes her.
How do you catch a squirrel?...... Climb up a tree and act like a nut!!
You're driving me mad!
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head? .....Reg
What does his mother call him? .....R Reg
Sad news: Reg has just died, he is now X Reg!
Who has a good memory for VERY old jokes?
I arrived at Morecambe Promenade station for my holidays. I was not used to all those seagulls and the little gifts they drop from above they should rename it Dodge City. I tried to pick up what I thought was a ten pence YUK!
Since I hadn't booked a hotel I tried knocking at the door of one place. The landlady opened the door in her nighty funny place for a door. "I want to stay here," I said. "Well stay there then" she replied and shut the door.
I tried knocking again. "I want a room," I said. "You'll have to make your own bed," she warned. "OK" I replied so she gave me some wood, hammer and nails and told me to get on with it.
The landlady was a lady of generous b...
Robert S Purvis
Jake The Peg!
Why do Morecambe Donkeys run faster?
Because when they run in the sea they grow an extra leg!.
Keep it in the Family!
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."
Mike - You are joking aren't you Mike?
It's all a big joke !
I would love to say that after a visit to Morcambe that I would return . However if I ever make this statement then I want my family to commit me to a mental hospital. Morcambe is number one in the charts of places you just do not visit. I would rather visit bosnia and just try my luck with those snipers. My trip to Morcambe was filled with excitment. I have decided to use Morcambe as my base for smuggling. My columbian friends have visited Morcambe and they say that it shows great promise. Next your town will be like boyz in the hood with their bouncing cars and drive by shootings. No more chips and pea supper oh no ah ahhhhh (that was evil ) I do not care I am crazy, by the way I'm only joking
How many Irishman does it take to srew in a light bulb?
21... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 20 to get drunk untill the room spins!!
A maths question
Who is bigger, Mr Bigger, or Mr Bigger's baby?
Answer- the Baby is a little Bigger!!!!!
Now don't start getting rude!
Mother Theresa and her nuns were riding there bicycles done the street
but the nuns wouldn't stop giggling so what did Mother Theresa say?...
..."Stop giggling or I'll put the bike seats back on!"
I've got a brand new combine!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?... "Where's my tractor?"
What did the farmer say when his donkey died?... "He's never done that before."
Rik Mellor, Newcastle upon Tyne
What do you call a fish without an eye ?........... Fsh !
Did you here the one about the stick dog?.......... It used to catch itself
Why did the chicken cross the road?......because it couldn't draw circles!
A snail went to the police station after just been robbed. The policeman asked if he could describe what happened and the snail said "It all happened so fast!
Two men walked in to a bar......... It didn't half hurt! It didn't half hurt!
Low Down !
Q: What do Mexicans have underneath their carpets ????
A: Underlay, Underlay
Here's a Vegetable joke...
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the Salad DRESSING!!!!!!! GET IT?
Here's a Scientific joke...
Q: How can you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?
A:PULL DOWN IT'S GENES!!!!!! NYUK NYUK NYUK!!!!
A man walked in to a bar......... It didn't half hurt!
Anonymous, email@example.com Anonymous