I Felt Guilty as Hell !

Hi Caroline

I had a relationship with a married man from March 1995 ? I had known
him as a friend for years, and went around with him and his wife as a couple with my previous partner. Steve and his wife were never particularly suited but they had two children, and this was the reason they stayed together. He was never happy with her and had a few flings before I started seeing him (which I found out about later) and once we started seeing each other everything became serious quickly and he told me he loved me.

Both of us were very happy just to be together and we realised this was the real thing and we made plans to be together. However it did not move as fast as I would like, and I began to feel insecure and at times we had rows. After splitting up we decided that it was make or break so at the end of 1997 we started looking for a property and decided to buy a brand new house. This was all done behind his wife’s back (he didn’t want to rock the boat or upset the kids!) and eventually after a lot of hassle, and a lot of stick that I took from my friends (oh he is using you!) the house was ready to move into in March 1999.

In the summer of 1998 I began writing to a chap in Canada whom I had
met purely by chance, and this was quite a bit of fun. In the end, though, although I categorically deny any intention on my part to have a romantic or sexual relationship with this man (David), I found the chatting interesting. Steve is a very jealous type and so I kept it from him, but he found about it by reading my diary. David’s mother originated from England, not far from where I lived, and he said he had always wanted to visit England, and asked if I could let him stay with me. I said no but that I would help him to find somewhere to stay.

Steve was very jealous so I did not tell him this. David then invited me to stay in Canada for a week. I jumped at the chance ? I know this would never happen with Steve, as he is terrified of flying and I saw it as a last chance to have a holiday before I settled down. I repeat there was no intention to have any romantic, emotional or sexual relationship with David, I saw him as a friend and a friend only. So I went but did not tell Steve, in fact I timed it for when Steve was in Spain.

Unfortunately when I arrived, David had booked a ticket on the same flight back as me, and I told him about Steve when I was over there. Unfortunately too, he had developed romantic ideas about me, and I was totally stuck and terrified. I had told Steve none of this and did not know what to do. I am the sort of person who is easily caught in a compassion trap and feels very guilty for not doing the right thing by people.

I am also one to let things take their course and go away ? appeasement ? which unfortunately did not work. David came to England and I found him accommodation in a student flat, and he was not happy, expecting me to put him up at home. He also declared undying love for me. I felt guilty as hell. In the end I felt so guilty ? after all his family had offered me hospitality over there ? I let him stay the night on my sofa, and Steve came round the next morning and all hell broke loose. In the end Steve drove David back to his flat and then packed his stuff from the marital home and moved in with me.

David then continued to harass and pester me at work and at home on a daily basis. I wanted to try the appease and ignore tactic, Steve wanted to try the kick his head in tactic. David’s father kept ringing, David had told him he was going to commit suicide if I wouldn’t have a relationship with him. I was at my wits end.

In the end, I agreed to meet David to talk it over (in effect I wanted to dump him) but the same thing happened again and I ended up sleeping with him, out of guilt or god knows what. To cut a long story short I became pregnant as a result, confessed everything to Steve (in an effort to be honest) and he put me through sheer hell all over the summer.

I had a termination and have now put the whole thing behind me. I insisted David stopped contacting me, and he went back to Canada and that is the end of it. It is a dreadful episode I do not want to hear about again. We also had hell because Steve went to his wife, told her I had had an affair and ended up pregnant, and she said I was unfit to be around children so she stopped Steve having the children anywhere near me. This alsocaused problems between us.

He said I had conned him into leaving his wife (whom he did not love) and
he would never have left if he knew what I was up to. He gave me hell all
over the summer, threatening to put me in hospital, having terrible mood swings (he loved me then he didn’t), deciding he wanted his wife back (they had been unhappy for years!) and it culminated in him walking out on me and our house being sold. However, he went back to the marital home but had to sleep firstly in the garage, then on the sofa, and finally in the children’s’ room. There is no chance of any romantic relationship between him and Caroline. He said that he loathed and hated me so much he wanted to rekindle things with Caroline but when he got back there he realised why he left her in the first lace. As a result of this I lost 3st in weight, almost lost my job through stress, and loathed and despised myself to an unbelievable extent.

The ‘relationship’ was a friendship that got out of hand, and I would never have started it if I had been married, or living with Steve. I think it was because I felt insecure and unsure that I considered myself free to have friends, and that was all it was to me. Rightly or wrongly that is what it was.

In December/January he said he wanted us to get back together and so we did, but he was still living at the marital home, (so he could be with his kids he said) and we made plans to sell our house (he could never be happy again there after all he went through, he said) and buy another one. This, again, has had to be kept from Caroline as he is scared she will stop him seeing the kids. He said that once he got back there, he realised he loved me and missed me. So we have sold the house and I am in a rented flat while he is still at the marital home, until our purchase is due to go through in 4 weeks.

We had counselling as a couple from my church minister at the end of last/beginning of this year, and Steve said he loved me, he wanted us to start again, he wanted to trust me and put it behind him and get on with being together, because he loved me, not his wife, and he would never be able to have a relationship with her. I was really happy that we were back together and felt myself lucky to have been forgiven.

However the imminence of the move has brought back bad memories for him and he is punishing me all over again, asking why it happened, what went wrong with us that I had to turn to another man, asking questions I have answered before. He went completely mental about David, Canada, screaming at me, asking me if I slept with him in Canada, wanting to know what happened in minute detail, having a complete tantrum, calling me names, and saying that I am "cornered" now I am in that flat, and am only being nice to him as he is the knight in shining armour that can get me out of it. He is also shoving his ex-wife in my face. I told him I was not discussing David but he wouldn't stop. He says he "didn't ask for this" and "doesn't deserve this". I was completely shocked and terrified.

The real root of the problem is 1) his bad back makes him into a monster and 2) he is due to move out of the house in about three weeks and is dreading telling them and 3) he forked out £1,000 for the estate agents for selling the house yesterday, and needs a scapegoat to blame, ie, me. Everything is because I went to Canada and David came here. It has been an expensive financial exercise, but he thinks he is blameless. He is using his wife as a landlady.

Am I so bad and terrible that I have done something so unforgivable? He says over and over “do you know what you have put me through” but never once stops to think what I have been through. He says everything I have been through is my own fault, as a result of my own actions, and he is the one that has lost his wife and lifestyle and family. Excuse me, but he wanted to jettison that before David ever appeared. He kept me waiting for years and mucked me about, and he thinks he has done nothing wrong himself.

Am I really to blame for everything?

What do you think?

Hi Catherine,

From what you've explained about your situation I can see that you're both to blame, firstly you embarked on an affair with a man, a married man, who was still living with his wife and obviously cares for his children. You knew the circumstances there. If he'd already had a few flings before, because he wasn't happy with being with his wife then you knew what you were letting yourself in for! Didn't you? A total lack of self control on both you and Steve's parts! If you had a feeling for Steve and thought it was love and you had to go with it, then don't blame yourself for that, you're only human and you can fall in love, lust very easily, there's lots of attractive men out there. And well when your hormones start playing up well its instinct! You were the free agent remember that also.

As for Steve, well after having a few flings and you knew about them , well, I wouldn't say he was the catch of the century really, dishonest, lying, cheating, and still using his wife's home for himself, and having you too, not to mention who else? what a life he was leading !!!! now there's a man having his caking and eating it and eating it......... He may be someone who's just not the staying kind, the stable kind you know what I mean? He likes to love and leave... no ties.... no responsibility... sees women as sex objects..... He has a fidelity problem really and I don't think there's a cure really.

He obviously loves his kids, and cares for them, as for his wife well maybe he doesn't love her any more and finds comfort in another woman i.e. you, maybe he does love you and wants to be with you, but I suggest you tell him to get a separation from his wife or a divorce (he can still see his kids if he pays maintenance (by law). So there's an answer for that one. Tell him you want to be with him(thats if you still do) and he has to prove it to you or yowl walk.... (there lots of other men out there, free, single and stable) take your pick really. You're not married are you? ask him to make a decision or you'll have to reassess your situation with him tell him you hurt and feel angry at all these problems between you. tell him you want it to work but properly (if he does hell make an effort) But Im sure you'll find out.

If you start living together again, make a few ground rules with yourself , i.e. say to yourself, you wont allow him to hurt you emotionally. physically or any other way.

The moment you feel it isn't working, tell him, only you can really decide what you feel and how to act upon it, if it feels good then it is if it doesn't then its not.

Tell him he shouldn't threaten you (that's if he does) you must let him know that you'll tell someone i.e. parents, family etc... tell him to please stop. You have your self respect as a woman to think of, so stand up and be strong, if he stays after what you ask him, then great (if hats what you want) if not then cry a little and move on up.... and on....and live happily and remember all these bad mistakes you've made in the past and never ever make them again, learn from them and be stronger and wiser.and better as a person.

Good luck

R

Caroline