Seems like a complete blur!
Hi, I don't really know what I am asking for advice on, I just generally feel troubled. I suppose my problems first started when I was diagnosed as suffering from depression nearly four years ago. When I was at my lowest my long term boyfriend suddenly and rudely broke up with me. He then proceeded to spread rumours about me around my friends. That really hurt, as at that point I really needed people to stick by me. Just to add insult to injury I then found out that my ex was going out with someone who was meant to be a friend, and they had been together while I was still going out with him. Needless to say, this did not help my state of mind and I slipped into the lowest of lows. I later tried to kill myself on numerous occasions, I think mainly to try and get somebody to care about me, I don't think I ever really wanted to die, I say 'don't think' as the whole period in time seems like a complete blur. After numerous months of counselling and combinations of Prozac, I slowly felt as if I was getting somewhere.
I had another kick in the guts when my Dad informed me he had a girlfriend, despite the fact he was still married to, and living with my Mum. It tore me apart, not so much that he had a girlfriend, as I knew my Mum and Dad had had problems for many years. It was more the fact that he decided to tell me a Christmas, and told me not to tell my Mum. How was I meant to do that? Me and my Mum were really close and talked about everything, she knew something was wrong but I couldn't tell her. Just after Christmas my Dad told my Mum to get out, and although never told my Mum about his new girlfriend she found out after being away for a weekend and coming home to find her in our house. I couldn't believe how insensitive my Dad was, he's never been one for tact but that took the biscuit. I had been asking my Mum to move out for a year or so, and as I had just left school, I said I could get a job and get a house with her. She never did anything about it and then one day came home and told me she'd had an offer accepted on a house.
I asked where and she told me all about it and then told me there wouldn't be enough room for me to live with her. This hurt as she was like my best friend and I had never really got on with my Dad, who I would then be left to live with.Me and my Mum drifted apart after this which I found really hard, ad then one day I came home from work ad she was gone. She'd packed all of her stuff and moved out.Immediately after my Mum moved out my Dad's girlfriend more or less moved in, not completely as she has her own house and 3 little kids, but she was there all the time. At first I got on Ok with her as she was just acting like a friend, not a buddy friend, but a friend, and then all of a sudden she became too over powering, telling me what I could and couldn't do.
I was 19 at this point and did not need her telling me what I could and could not do. This caused tension ad as time progressed it got a little worse. It really blew up when I told my Dad I didn't like hearing them have sex. I know sex is a normal part of a normal relationship, but hearing them (as they are quite loud) through out the nite, when I am still trying to come to terms with my Mum not being there, is a little too much. My Dad decided to tell his girlfriend this, well kind of, he actually told her I didn't like her, which was not what I said in any way shape or form. After this I did not speak to either of them.In the September I returned to college to do child care. All was going well up until the end of October when my Dad told me he didn't want me at college. He said I'd had my education and did not deserve another one. He then gave me an ultimatum, either leave college and get a job or get out of my house.
I looked into every avenue, to try and find a way of staying at college as this was what I had always wanted to do. Apparently my course did not entitle me to any funding, loans, help with rent or anything. So, I had to leave college. I got a job as an agency carer and started looking into to finding somewhere to live. As soon as I started looking into moving my Dad and his girlfriend started being civil to me, after 6 months of not talking. I suppose the thought of getting rid of me made them happy. At this point I felt as if no-one wanted me. My Mum had moved out and said they're wasn't enough room for me (despite the fact my older sister moved in with her a couple of weeks later) and now my Dad was glad to see the back of me.I found a little flat for sale which was really cheap. I put in an offer for it and had it accepted.
I was so relieved at the thought of getting out. I don't like living somewhere where people don't want me.Unfortunately I am still here, although the flat is still apparently going through, 6 months later I am still living with my Dad, and things are becoming more and more strained again.So in theory I have quite a bit going for me at the moment, I have a new job which I really enjoy and am in the middle of buying my own property. But I feel so miserable. I am trying really hard to stay cheerful as I know I have more than some people, but I am lonely and miserable. All of my friends are either in serious relationships or married and having kids.
I know I'm only 21 and I should be enjoying my life but I want to be loved. I would give anything to have a family, that is my dream. The only problem is I have not even had a date, let alone a boyfriend in the last 3 1/2 years. I just don't seem to be able to trust anyone.I have also found I am ill all the time, nothing major, just colds and coughs, flu, gland problems. Anything that's going, I've got it. That's also getting me down, but then I worry that perhaps I'm becoming a hyper-chondriac or something. My ex, after we broke up, told me he thought I was sad and that I'd do anything for attention, and that has always stuck in my head. And now, although I honestly do believe I feel really ill, I'm beginning to wonder if it's all in my head because I am so un-happy.As I said I don't know exactly what I am asking for help with, I just had to write it all down. If you have any suggestions, I'd be glad to here them.
Anon
Hi anon,
Anyway let me be the first person to congratulate you on getting a job, finding a place to live and keeping your self respect well done to you. I would assume that by all the past things said and don't to you yore now in a vulnerable position where Im sure you feel hostile to anyone who approaches you? your not in a trusting fram e of mind because you donate want to get hurt again, and again, and again. Listen I understand perfectly.
BUT, you must not let anyone grind you down, have hope and faith and believe in yourself alot. It will get better and time is a great healer but it does take time and endurance. life is for living and you have it to live do it for you, like yourself a bit more and join a club of some kind to get to meet people men, women you'll have something in common then!
You must be hopeful, and you must never give up on yourself who knows with all the caring experience you are gaining one day you may want to continue in this as a career and become part of a hospital nursing bank that takes H.C.A untrained and trained for shift work at the hospital its worth ringing your local hospital and asking if they run a nurse bank! shift work at night duty being a Health care assistant will boost your income too!!!! and with all the other members of staff around you may just meet your partner too, who knows!!!! the place is full of better people than the ones you've been in contact with you can make it better for yourself by getting out there and showing everyone just what a success you really are and make yourself happy.
Get on that phone and get an application to join the local hospital nurse bank and get some extra shifts, extra income and a little extra on your life.
Good Luck and peace to you
Caroline