I am in a bad way!
Help
My girlfriend of 4 years left me 3 months ago saying that she needs a break and time on her own as she felt trapped.
Only trouble is, I can't cope with it. It's been a time of change for her, starting a new career last September, surviving on little money (which I haven't really helped with) I was saving a deposit for our first house, and the mental pressure of being challenged.
She always used to adore me, but recently she says this has changed, the heart of it is that she feels I don't really love her as I have found it hard to show my feelings as much as she does. I think deep down the root cause of this was that we didn't have sex for the first year of our relationship.
I suppose this hurt her as I was very cagey about my past love life, mainly because I was embarrassed as I had had a few short term girlfriends but had not had sex. This has made me crabby at the mention of past relationships and has made me seem like a stranger to her.
I have so wanted to open up to her but feel ashamed. I am 32 and she is 25. Although she wants to see me, it is only as friends. I find this veery hard and fear I may jeapordise this by constantly banging on about 'wanting her back". What should I do? if I open up to her now will she think I'm a freak and leave me forever or should I just try to battle on and be friends. I would do anything because I have never loved anyone as completely as her.
It just doesn't seem fair because we are almost identical in every other way and have always wanted the same things. I have to convince her of this because I am happy for her to have time on her own so long as she knows I truly love her.
Please answer because I need some advice. I am in a bad way.
Love
S.
Hi S.,
Sorry for the delay in reply but Im trying to answer as many e mails as possible this week and there has been rather a lot.
Ok so you're feeling lonely and rejected a little. She has tried to get a job and settle into a career for herself, you've been saving up for a house. and not been able to help her out with money!!!
let her have her space and write down the few words that you've written to me, how you feel about her your love for her and that you will try not to be so possessive many young women these days do need time and independence of themselves to find out who and what they want where they want to go and who do do it with. shell respect and like you more if you show her you understand her needs.
You need your space too you know!!!! try and focus on other things, your job, your hobbies etc.... and anything that you feel can stop you just thinking about your relationship, go out with mates for a drink etc...passsing the time with other things will make you get a better quality out of life and you'll be much happier.
And a for not having experience with the girls you dated so what if she loves you for who you are then she should know your either a virgin or you you're not!!!! who cares either way don't be bothered by what you may think her reaction will be you are you and whether you have experience other not shouldn't really matter to her you or anyone!!!! you can both experiment together and break each other in (so to speak)!
Give it a try and see how it goes and remember chin up don't be afraid of who you are !
Peace,
Caroline
Caroline
Thank you for replying to me - it helped enormously. She knows how I feel but she feels that she doesn't know whether it could work between us and that she is too tired to even try. And as long as she feels like this she is happy to be on her own. If she did want a re;ationship she would remember me but I don't know. THe problem is that when she came over to tell me this we were both blubbing, unable to blame each other, and within minutes were getting on brilliantly. I told her I want her as a friend.
I think she has switched off deep down because she is fearful that we would not get on again and that she would get hurt. I have done the things you said but because I love her and I get on so well I feel that if I can convince her things will be better if there is a next time, things will be o.k. I know I will because I have realised that she is my life but how do I convince her that I'm not just saying these things to get her back? It got her down because I was unhappy at work and snapped at her, she felt she wasn't making me happy. How can I change these things? The most important thing is that I know she hasn't had a happy life she was bullied by her first boyfriend, saw me as a saviour and then felt she couldn't make me happy.
I know you don't have all the answers but its more helpful than you realise to have someone give advice and above all listen. She was hurt by the beginning and said she never got over the start, (where I didn't show her enough love and didn't sleep with her for a year) I still haven't told her the real reason. I suppose I'm fearful that she will just be shocked and it won't help anyway, so why is it eating me up? When I first saw Sarah, I was convinced that I would marry her, is it possible to become lovers again from friends?
Please help, I really appreciate your advice.
S.
Hi S,
This girl is a lucky girl to have a thoughtful, caring and considerate man in her life and she would be a fool to reject you.
I would take one step at a time for now and continue to be there for her she needs your reassurance and trust she certainly may not have had that before and it doesn't seem real to her she knows nothing other than being run down, intimidated and well, bullied. It does take a lot of time and courage to get over abusers like this and if she feels better alone sometimes then you must understand. tell her you're there if she needs you and remain on good friendly terms ones day she will accept your goodness to her and things may get better. she just needs time.
Peace
Caroline
PS I hope others learn from your experience!