Feelings run so deeply!
Hi Caroline,
Erm.. I've never sent anything like this before, but I'm newly married, in a new country where I don't know anyone except my husband, and it's too 'personal' to phone my relatives for help.
I got married in Jan 01, just over 6 weeks ago, and moved to Canada 4 weeks ago at the beginning of Feb, and our sex-life is a mess. So much so that it's become such a big issue and the feelings run so deeply that I don't know what to do. I do try to talk to my husband about it but he gets upset and keeps telling me to be positive and give everything a chance, which is good advice as it stands....so why do I feel so bad all the time?
Where to start? For the last six months my now husband lived in London while I moved to Birmingham with my job. This wasn't unusual for our relationship, for the past 3 years we have just seen each other at the weekends. During the time I was in B'ham, he stayed with each of his parents. It was during this time the first incident happened. We were watching TV and I undid my dressing gown and asked him if he wanted to f*ck me! Well, it seemed like quite a good idea at the time! But then half way through, he lost his erection.
My initial reaction was to get very upset and hurt, thinking it was me, though I tried very hard not to show it, I did a bad job. He felt very bad and self-conscious and we attempted to speak about it, but it was too raw so we didn't say very much. So we continued with our lives. We spoke about it briefly in the meantime and he said that it was because he is so out of shape, and he felt bad because I made him feel fat. He is slightly overweight and gorgeous! He used to complain all the time about how out-of-shape he was and didn't do anything about it, so I would say if you feel that way then go to a gym, and give up smoking. I tried to reassure him that I loved him the way he was, and that I said those things because told me he wasn't happy with himself! But this obviously didn't work, the second time was 2/3 months later.
I could count the number of times we had sex on one hand in the 6 months before we moved out to Canada. Things were strained to say the least. But hopefully things were going to improve when we moved to our own apartment, when it would just be the 2 of us!! This didn't happen. We tried talking about it and got angry, then we decided to try and make things better. Ever since, things have been luke warm between the sheets, when we do get between the sheets! I try and talk about issues that are bothering me, but he tells me I'm being too negative and to leave things alone to get better, because he just feels terrible again and we go back a stage whenever I mention something that might be wrong. But incidences like the one described at the bottom crop up, and it hurts, and I can't say anything.
I feel desperately unattractive. He tells me I am attractive and that he does fancy me, but I don't feel it.
A couple of weeks ago, 2 weeks after we moved into the apartment, I walked in on him masturbating. This wouldn't have bothered me had it not been for the timing- we had only just decided a couple of days previously that we would try and have more sex, and make an good effort. He got angry with me for invasion of privacy, and I got upset.
This evening we were lying in bed. I think he thought I was asleep or wouldn't notice, but he started masturbating. Had he done it suggestively or something, I might have offered to help him out!.... but it was the fact he was so secretive about it that really hurt and disgusted me. I moved so he would get the hint that I was awake, and he stopped. If he wanted to be secretive about it, he could have gone elsewhere. I even offered to sleep on the couch so he could get a good nights sleep, for his new job in the morning.
I know it's a perfectly natural thing to do, I do it myself, and that you are supposed to share things when you get married, but I don't want that. Not when things are so desperately out of touch. I don't know what to do. I have tried to explain the background to why I might react badly to such an insignificant thing, but I can't stop feeling so utterly hurt. I'm even beginning to think I married the wrong man.
Please tell me I'm being silly, or please help me to understand how I can stop feeling like this.
Sue.
Hi Sue,
Most couples find that sex can sometimes be a chore, an act that seems like too much effort sometimes, and basically too much like hard work!
You've had a few upheavals over the last few months or whatever for whatever reasons, changing jobs, moving house, settling in etc....... It does take a great deal of effort and time and personal adjustment for your brain and body to adjust again and get back into a different routine again. Its not simple and it take effort and readjustment all round, So please take that into consideration before making assumptions about your husband and your choice in marrying him and being together.
Life's never easy but we can take time out to get it back on track. Settling into a new home, takes time, settling into a new job takes time, new people to get to know new environments etc.... it takes a mental toll on you both. Without you meaning it to. Its your mind and body's way of aligning itself again and feeling comfortable. All your extra pressure of talking about sex just adds to the scenarios and it's something you can do without.
Make a checklist and look through it together, list all the new things that have been happening and make comments at the side, list your emotions about each one, and you'll soon see that the problems lie there.
So, forget about sex for a while, hold each other an adjust be content in being together miracles don't happen over night but things should get better in time you'll see, and understand.
Regards
Caroline