He won't make a commitment
Hi Caroline
I am 25 years old and have been with my boyfriend of the same age for almost six years. The problem is that he won't make a commitment of any sort or give me a reason why not, he always says I don't know. We have been through a lot together in this time, four years ago he lost his dad to cancer and then 2 years later his mum and obviously this has hit him hard. I try very hard to be understanding and be there for him but I am beginning to think that I am losing him, he is not as affectionate as he used to be and at times I think that he doesn't even like me anymore never mind love me.
I have tried to talk to him about this, but always says 'don't be silly' and 'of course I love you' but that is not the impression I get. My friends all have different solutions, some say get out now, if he was going to do it, he would have done it by now and others say hang on he might change his mind. I don't know how much longer I can hold on because it is tearing me apart, sometimes I think the only reason he stays with me is out of guilt and because he has no-one else.
He used to be very affectionate though he has always shied away from commitment, even before the illnesses and this is what makes me think that there is more to it than grief. I just want him to be honest with me because until he does I am afraid that I am just going to keep deluding myself instead of just getting on with my life.
Thanks for your help
Cassie
Hi Cassie,
It does seem to me that although he might not be ready for commitment at this present time (probably for a lot or reasons Ill go into a bit later) he is grieving for his parents, Cassie, he's lost his mum, and Dad, how would you feel? Give him some slack, space and especially time, he will get over it and then know what he wants to do and be with the rest of his life, if for now your relationship is ok, and the only real hassle at the moment is his lack of commitment i.e. you want it, and he feels fine about it, then let it be for now 'til he gets over his grief, you are there for him and a you’ve both been there for each other and gone through alot together this will and should bond you both greater, be a shoulder if he needs one, give him space if he needs it, try telling him gently that you adore him, you care about him and you love him dearly, if there was any thing you can do to make it easier you would. Hopefully that should get some kind of response out of him, if not you have but tried.
Many people suffer from grief differently they can clam up and become introverted, or want to be alone all the time, they may cry all day, they will push affection away fro fear of being too close to someone again only to lose them! They could not show affection and seem numb to their surroundings and people around them, they suffer from depression but can get help from their GP.
Or
They can talk till the sun goes down and up again! they will go out of their way to be the life and soul of the party, get drunk too much, do irrational things out of character, steal things, get really angry and start hitting out at things and loved ones start being critical and name calling to others go out of their way to be bitter and twisted and vengeful and envious of others, they are not able to control these feelings. they are dealing with it in their own unique ways. A way that they can cope. And sometimes people can recall events from long ago and have post traumatic stress disorder. delayed shock or grief, that hits them suddenly.
If you read these and some fit your boyfriend then he is suffering from grief, let him do it his way. just as long as he doesn't hurt himself or you. just be understanding and listen. you'll prove to him what a loyal, caring and loving partner you are to him.
If however, you feel its not grief he's suffering from, you need to talk frankly to him tell him what you want from the relationship, does he feel the same or not, you need to know to make plans for the future for you or maybe hopefully both of you, do you appear in his plans? ask him. talk about it together as mature adults.
You then can decide your plans for the future with or without him.
Good Luck
R
Caroline